Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Quack - Quack - Quack ! ! !

Pitchers and catchers used to mean awakening from our long winter slumbers.  March; - the last days of war between sun and snow; pitched battles to test our fortitude and cheeks in the last offensives of cold.  The Grapefruit and Cactus Leagues meant our boys would soon be coming home to the diamonds of sod and earth currently being healed by winter's mistreatment.  The sun would warm us again.

It used to be that simple.  Once.  For someone I'm sure.
Me?  I was born in the Summer of Love.  I guess it's only apropos I'm an Aquarian.
What does that mean?  Nothin!
My son was born in 1990.  He was born IN the continuing Steroid Era (HGH-whatever!!!)
What does that mean?  Everything!

Is this going to be part of our Spring Training rituals now?  Is this now part of the yearly conversation?
Twenty-plus years is an awful long time for conditioning.  You can pollute two generations in 22 years.

If you know the darker history of baseball; amateurism, professionalism, beer and liquor sales, Sunday baseball, rivals and raiders, player mutiny, rampant gambling and fixing a WS, indentured servitude, bigotry/hate/harm, abandonment, asterisks, ignorance, cocaine and drug usage, strikes, collusion, greed, price gouging, capitalism and more greed, then steroids.......and you're still a fan?...Then you, like me love this game unconditionally.

But c'mon!!  When does it stop?  Of course I'm talking about the FBI investigation that has now brought in Beltran, Reyes and ARod for questioning about blood spinning, re-injection and HGH..  Is this going to be a permanent fixture of our cyclical rights of Spring?  It seem like the Ides of March to me.  For all the money we fans fork over to feed the insatiable player's and owner's yen for the cheddar, we continue to get the dagger treatment in the gut.  And I'm left as a Met fan questioning, with two of my more favorite Mets in controversy's cross-hairs, asking, like Julius Caesar to Antony, - Beltran, Reyes....You Too?

Going off on a tangent or engaging in some ill willed rant would be terribly easy right now.
No....instead I will try something constructive.  If these players seem so willing to make incredibly blind decisions with their assets,(i.e. their body and athletic skills) perhaps an intervention is in order.  That may be hard to pull off, so how about some help or advice?  The reckless thing to do would be to paint this ever-growing tumor on our game with one broad stroke.
If it walks like a duck, waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck?
YEP! you guessed it, Doctor Tony Galea is probably a duck.  And if this guy is a bona-fide Quack...then some-one's goose is gonna be cooked.  What compels these players to be guinea pigs in these Dr. Moroe experiments is beyond me.  Blood spinning is not an uncommon science.  It's done just about everywhere.  So why do they need to go to some way off santeria/voodoo specialist in a remote mountain ninja camp??  I say it's the money.  When you're grounded and part of the real world, chicken soup works just fine when you're not feeling well.  When you have money, time and live in a societal sectionalist existence because of it, you chase a quack.  If you're Madonna...never mind about her!

Guys, save yourselves the scrutiny and speculation and go to more reputable doctors please?  As a friend to baseball players everywhere, may I recommend the following doctors?  Because let's face it, having a paper route qualifies in your eyes as someone qualified to stick needles in you.

Dr. Bobby Brown    Dr. Jack Ramsey
Marcus Welby M.D.    Doogie Howser
Dr. Bombay    Doc Gooden
Dr. Frankenstein    Dr. Jekyll
Dr. Chivago    Dr. FeelGood
Dr. Love Joy    Dr. Kill Joy
Dr. FUNKenstein    Doc Holliday
Doc Brown    Dr. J
Dr. Doom    Dr. Death
Dr. No    Dr. Who
Dr. Phil    Dr. Evil
Lawn Doctor    Doc Graham
Dr. BOB!! (Rolf from Muppet Show)
Dr. Vinny Boom-Botts
Dr. Kevorkian    Dr. Dre
Dr. McCoy    Dr. Frazier Crane
Dr. Ferdie Pacheco    Dr. Pepper
eh..What's up doc?
Dr. Huxtable   Dr. Ruth
Dr. Van Nostrand (think Kramer)
   Dr. Drew
Dr. Demento    Dr. Scholl's
Dr. Seuss    Dr. Hook
Dr. Sigmund Freud
Dr. Zaus and Dr. Cornelius

Now, I myself am not a doctor.  But I did stay in a Holiday Inn last night.
I'm tired of my game stumbling over itself like a drunken 3-legged dog.
If it has webbed feet and quacks....odds are it a duck dummies!

G'head...let me find out Beltran and Reyes did something wrong.
A-Rod?..Really, I could care less about him. 
His meal-card is already stamped "no soup for you".
I wouldn't give him a glass of water if his teeth were on fire.

If the rest of the BloggerHood is willing to be helpful and recommend some Doctors of their own perhaps you should take our advice and stay away from these witch doctors that can only get you in trouble; unless you're already doing something wrong.

You guys are really starting to piss me off!
And sometimes it snows in April too.

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