J - E - T - S
Just - Enjoy - The - Shenanigans
NEW YORK JETS:
Was It Over When The Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?
When we last saw them in December of 2011, the frat brothers of D-Generation Rex were in the process of getting caught red-handed, holding brushes and spray cans, while trying to paint the town Green. The way last season ended was just the latest in a series of setbacks. For at their zenith two years ago, Gang Green threw a most debaucherous toga party in New England, and did things which they'd eventually forgive themselves for. You should have seen them. They felt so ashamed - an all time low.
In retaliation for snide remarks a Patriots' nerd made regarding Rex Bluto's best gal, and her pretty feet, Bart D-Day Scott, and Boon Sanchez, retrofitted the Jets, and unleashed an aerial bombardment down upon Wes Welker, and greater Beantown, that some fans in Foxboro are still hiding from. Then for good measure in the after-party, they imposed themselves and danced with other people's dates, served alcohol to under age women at the party, and performed acts so heinous decorum does not permit me to discuss them here.
Indeed, the more raucous residents of Big Blue House on the Prairie never felt more high than on that night against the Patriots. But since that game, all their grade point averages have dropped, and more and more, it appeared as if seven years of college were heading down the drain; especially after they killed that horse last season. But you can't keep their spirit down, now can you? At least not Rex Bluto's you can't. Because for him, it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, now was it? For Rex, not talking about about himself, the Super Bowl, or how great his team stands to be, is a conversation not worth having. That said, Rex Bluto, Hoover Tanenbaum, Woody Otter Johnson, and the rest of the Jets are back. And this time, D-Generation Rex is rolling with their newest pledge, Pinto!
If you're a Jets fan, you can't help but admire with bewilderment, the thoroughness of the job, fraternity president and Jets General Manager Hoover Tanenbaum has done with this team. Make no mistake. This most motley collection of class clowns, entitled brats, and media dramatists exists by design. But why? Well? Being that Hoover Tanenbaum sits at the head of his own class, he'll be made to stand in front of the Dean's desk. Problem is, there is no Dean! Woody Otter Johnson is the one with the twelve inch check book in that black doctor's bag he keeps behind the bar. In other words, this is Woody's cucumber, and if he thinks his is bigger than yours, that's all that matters to him. And so far, he seemingly likes the way the semester is going.
Regardless of what I think, here they are! View them in all their Green incredulity.
There are players on this team that pollute the atmosphere down to a molecular level. Good luck with that. However still, the 2012 Jets will perhaps be the most unique gathering of fifty-three players dressed in green shirts and tight white pants you might ever witness as a fan. Of which, I'm not one. So let's get this out of the way before the season begins. I am a Giants fan. But I am not a hater. I have never harbored ill will towards the Jets. But I will be covering the Jets this season the best I can as a source of entertainment. Because heaven knows they are a major source of material. Are you guys happy about that? ....I digress.
Of course, there is the newest pledge, Pinto Tebow. He's the one running around camp with a devil on one shoulder scheming for Boon Sanchez' job, and telling Tebow to take off his shirt in the rain. And on the other shoulder sits and angel, getting him to say all the right things to the media, and stick to his core values. Boon Sanchez is dejected already, so look out. His main supporter, Rex, hasn't been too faithful lately. And should Boon Sanchez fail at any point this season, that could very well open the door for Pinto to take his job. That's when things will get totally out of control. That's when kegs start crashing through the windows. And if Woody isn't really careful, Pinto Tebow just might deliver his daughter to the doorstep of his house in a shopping cart, ring the bell, and rush away. Because after all, isn't rushing the ball what Tim Tebow does best?
In four months from now, don't cry when someone puts their arm around you and says, "You f#cked-up! You trusted us." Or, if luck has it, as Otter once championed, "..what's needed is a real futile and stupid gesture be done on some one's part....." And the Jets feel they're just the guys to do it.
AUGUST 18, 2012
Pre-Season Game Two:
Battle in the Swamp
NEW YORK GIANTS
NEW YORK JETS